*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
liiiiiiiiike
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.