Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
i just found this in my phone
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then