Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
is frankincense just very honest incense?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Mornin
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.