Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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Wow 🤣
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!