Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
No laws when master is gone
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
What a year we’ve had this week.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
You might just have to resign…
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”