Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*