WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.