Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
a public service announcement
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.