@CulturedRuffian

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@Adar79Angie

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@FredTaming

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

@trentistweeting

[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

@SSparklesDaily

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@TuSoonShakur

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

@SugarMagicSpice

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.