Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.