[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.