[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
The Assassin.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!