Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good