Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support