flash mobs for serving divorce papers
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[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs