Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.