Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

hackers play passwordle

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.