Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.