*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.