Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.