Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.