Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Probably my best painting.
