Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.