*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet