Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

🥶🥶🐶🐶

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

shazam but for random noises outside

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter