*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
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Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
OH. COME. ON.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry