Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
starting a garage orchestra
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Sex so good you see dead people.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies