Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
You Might Also Like
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me when I’m ovulating
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
The internet is magic sometimes.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
3% human
97% stress
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.