Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.