Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.