Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*