Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
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Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Okay
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.