Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

why I oughta

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down