Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.