My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey…
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.