Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.