Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Put this video in the Louvre
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
My Plans 2020
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Admin smashed it 😂
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot