Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods