Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?