Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?