flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.