flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife