Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?