Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take