Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.