Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

lmfao

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I’m a bad influence on myself.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?