Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Geez man, take it easy.
#Caturday
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”