Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
You Might Also Like
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
The photographer’s assistant
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Google Pay be like:
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?