Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Old old old old old west
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate