Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
just pretend nothing happened
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.