Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Asking the real questions!
