Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth鈥檚 rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
nature’s most graceful animal
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
men what鈥檚 stopping you from looking like this
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don鈥檛 feel so bad anymore.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 馃槈
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.