Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Bruh PLEASE
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.