Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You Might Also Like
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me