Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.