Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0