Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
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ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit