Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

real

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.