Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Breaking news:

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]