Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.