Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Herpes is trending, good job people
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho