Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
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FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
😏😏😏
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Breaking news:
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.