Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
You Might Also Like
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
starting a garage orchestra
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Scream sneezers need love too.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.