Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

sailors wish they could swear like me

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.