Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here