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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human