Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
It kinda feels like this rn
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.