Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.