Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
A short story of betrayal:
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Going into Monday like
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Sir!!
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”