Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You Might Also Like
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
It’s on my to-do list.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like