Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

😂😂

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”