Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he’ll never suspect a thing

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

i can’t wait that long

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

A family that plays together cheats.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…