Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

same energy

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”