*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I have no passwords left in me
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me